Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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