it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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