Umm I'm too high to move.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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