You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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