To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
