He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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