You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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