five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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