Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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