Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So apparently I’m into choking now
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