Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Houston, we have a squirter
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
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he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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