shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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