The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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