How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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