if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
