She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize