I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
