Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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