The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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