I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
