Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
