i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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