I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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