he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
