hell yes lets make some ravioli
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
