I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
