Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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