Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
