Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
