you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
