he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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