I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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