I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
