It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
