it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize