Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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