Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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