he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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