Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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