Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
