Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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