i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
