mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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