the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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