whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
