so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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