By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You ate ashes out of my bong
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
