It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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