just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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