I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
