I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
