Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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