a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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