You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
