remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
