Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
