Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
