I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
