I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
