Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
