i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
