I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
